Aries 3/21-4/19: The 12 year-old you have been chatting up on the internet is actually an FBI agent. Just a 'heads up'. Don't worry, there are plenty of other 12 year-old fish in the sea. Just take this one off your 'buddies list' and don't cross any state lines.

Leo 7/23-8/22: The anti-malaria medication you've been taking in anticipation of the trip to Africa you're so exited about... well its going to give you the worst psoriasis your doctor has ever seen. Its pretty much gonna cover you from head to toe, including the bottoms of your feet. Hope they have wheelchairs in Africa.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21: Everyone tells you it can't be done. That there is too much security; that there is no way to get close enough to get your shot off. You'll show them... You'll show them all.

Virgo 8/23-9/22: You know that lump on your junk you've been trying not to think about, because you're worried might be cancer. It is.

Taurus 4/20-5/20: Exactly what did you think your drunk-ass was going to do with that gun you bought? You live on the 11th floor of a luxury apartment in the safest city in the country, did you really think you were gonna use it for self-defense? Too bad you only blew off half of your best friend's face, you really would have done her a favor by killing her. Now she's gonna have to finish what you started, 'cause she sure can't go through life looking like that.

Gemini 5/21-6/21: He's going to fuck you so hard and long that whoever pulls him out will be declared King of all England. Enjoy.

Libra 9/23-10/22: Yeah, the planets didn't know HPV could cause throat cancer either. You should have been more careful about what you put in your mouth. Cash in on your tracheotomy by doing anti-smoking commercials --even though you never smoked a cigarette in your life.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18: Watch out, your new neighbor is a registered sex offender. Guess what he did? You're going to find out, because he's going to do it again.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19: Your coke dealer just started cutting his shit with mannitol. Unfortunately you are allergic to mannitol. Your face is going to swell up to the size of a watermelon. Its unlikely the stretch marks will ever completely go away.

Cancer 6/22-7/22: The unplanned, unwanted pregnancy you don't know about yet will be the best thing that ever happened to you. You will clean you act up, get married, put your career on track, and buy your own home. For the first time in your life --and then for the rest of your life-- you will feel needed and content... as if nestled in a warm, soft blanket woven from pure joy. By the way, its going to be a boy!

Scorpio 10/23-11/21: You are going to die in a fire.

Pisces 2/19-3/20: This week you are going to drink so much that you actually <i>shit yourself</i> in bed while blacked-out. Seriously, that's pretty fucking disgusting. You might take this opportunity to get your ass into AA.