Aries 3/21-4/19: Do to a routine "Project Strike Back" investigation of all Americans that have received federal student loans, the FBI would like to ask you a few questions. While torture is generally frowned upon in the bureau these days, most things aren't torture anymore. Better hope the agent assigned to your case is a little more Fox Mulder and a little less Jack Bauer.

Taurus 4/20-5/20: It never occurred to you that your quest to rid the world of vampires would be met with such political resistance. How can it be "murder"? The fiend is already dead! There is no doubt in your mind that the dozens of creatures you beheaded, impaled, or burned alive were the Children of the Beast! Of course there can be no proof. You can only hope that one day they will acknowledge your genius, the great sacrifices you've made to preserve the Light.

Gemini 5/21-6/21: Make sure you work tonight, even if you're still slightly sore from last night. A little ice will bring down the swelling. Do that little twisty thing that you do with your tongue for your new client. The planets say that its just the special touch that will charm a big tip (and a lot of referrals) out of him.

Cancer 6/22-7/22: (continued) Thanks to the influence of Venus, you will get drunk and 'ride bareback' the nastiest troll of a human being< you have ever laid eyes on, well below even your standards. To make matters worse, a pregnancy will occur and the two of you will decide that you are going to keep it. For you, this decision will be taken as a type of penance, a self inflicted punishment for your mistake. In four quick months you will be wed, rushing to the alter before the baby begins to show. During these months you will gradually develop an unexpected affection for your unsightly mate. The traits that disgusted you on that fateful morning-after will gradually fade from your sight. Your spouse to-be will reciprocate your feelings, and striving for your approval improve upon their appearance until very soon it is more than equal to your own. As the two of you begin the often wearisome journey into the parenthood, your affection swells to what you can only describe as love; their every action flooding your heart with warmth and devotion. Other children will follow and grow into to adulthood over the next several decades, bringing a completeness to your existence you never thought possible. On day --deep into your golden years-- as you reflect upon your life, you will be astonished that so much joy could hinge upon a single irresponsible decision made in a drunken haze so many years ago.

Leo 7/23-8/22: Your niggling fear that maybe love isn't enough, will be substantiated this week when you wake up alone for the first time in as long as you can remember.

Virgo 8/23-9/22:This week you will discover a Sensational revolution in medicine! E'''nlarge your p''enis up to 10 cm or up to 4 i'c'h'e's! Its h'erbal solution what hasnt side effect, but has 100% guaranted results! Dont lose your chance and but know wihtout doubts, you will be impressed with results! Cli here.

Libra 9/23-10/22: Ingratiate yourself to your betters. While you will never stand among them as an equal, their use of you may bring you some small fulfillment.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21: Last installment, all 553 million (or so) of you died in a fire. The firestorms which laid waste to our planet are only now beginning to abate. Caustic smoke blankets the Earth in leaden twilight. It's unlikely that those of us left alive will see the sun again in our lifetimes.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21: "A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep." Judging by your dreams, your heart wants a good fuck. Find a guy with a really huge cock. You're pretty short, so if you can find a real stud he might actually be able to drill your heart.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19: Yeah the planets really like your iPod --it's pretty cool, just like everyone else's. Nice Razr too... they've never seen one of those before, it's not at all like its already totally passe.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18:This time, he is not going to take 'no' for an answer.

Pisces 2/19-3/20: Your untreated Social Anxiety Disorder is again interfering with your ability to lead a fulfilling life. Not being able to make eye contact with people on your television set is clear indication that you need to be medically sedated. Plus, last time you had a panic attack I think you peed a little on my couch.