I’m currently on four dating sites. OKCupid (most popular), Tinder (mobile optimization), Bumble (women go first), and Feeld (bisexual hookups). I’ve noticed these sites either by accident or by design, encourage promiscuity over relationships. This is because, for every date you get, there are far more waiting. The stereotype is: men are looking for casual sex, women are looking for relationships. Not true. I’ve met more women who just want to get laid and move on, than are looking for a husband or wife. It’s a product of progress in gender equality that leads to meeting a lot of people very fast. These are some of the funnier stories.

Chapter 1: Sympathy for the Devil

Long ago I was living in Manhattan, but my sex life sucked. I was young and too timid to introduce myself to chicks in bars, nor did I know many people. I realized I needed to join some clubs where I would be around people with common interests if I was going to meet anyone. I wanted my new friends to be both powerful and evil, so I narrowed it down to joining either Scientology, the Church of Satan, or the Republican Party.

I jokingly decided on the Church of Satan and made a joke post on MySpace describing my dilemma of finding a coven to join and that I wanted to host a black mass. For those unfamiliar with LaVeyan Satanism, it’s an atheistic “religion” whose ethos is to embrace carnal pleasure over spiritual fulfillment. Traditionally the “alter” in a black mass consists of a naked woman laying on a table holding two black candles, with a chalice of wine balanced on her pelvis from which the priest drinks. Various rites are read, offerings offered, and it all ends in an orgy. You know, a Trump sort of party.

I had made the post in jest, but I got a response. A woman contacted me, offered to be my alter piece and was serious! We began to flirt over AOL IM. I learned that she was the spitting image of Kylie Minogue except covered from head to toe in elaborate tattoos, tough and funny, had done some porn, and had a punk band. Of course, we began dating.

Unfortunately, the dating never went anywhere. All we had was a few drinks, some dancing, a visit to MOMA, and me trying to impress her and doing a bad job. Once she realized that I wasn’t the sort of guy that could actually pull off a black mass, she lost interest. I was still young and lacked confidence, she was years older, and she was out of my league both in looks and personality. Still, I did learn how to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight.