This chapter is about the time I almost got raped. This will portray sexual assault in a humorous light. I did not find it humorous at the time, nor do I find sexual assault humorous. I just try to keep these light. Frankly the cunt that did this to me is lucky that he didn’t get stabbed. I was inches away from cutting him, but fortunately my date had a better idea, as you’ll read.

Chapter 6: Sexual Assault

My date and I went to a high-end pizza place downtown; the sort that will sell you vegan pizza with a straight face. After dinner I suggested that we check out a gay bar. She and I had been seeing one another for some time and I knew that that was her thing. I don’t usually go to gay bars, but I worked for the owner, and I wanted to check out the place to earn some brownie points. She enjoyed the forbidden, often only because it was forbidden. Everyone has their kink, and that was hers. I knew a gay leather bar would be her scene.

What I didn’t know about this particular bar, was that it was a cruising bar. For people unfamiliar with cruising, it’s when you rack up multiple, anonymous sexual partners in a single night. Usually in a bathroom or a broom closet. Suffice to say, that’s not my thing. I’m fairly selective about my partners, though I know these stories suggest otherwise. I was also there with a female date.

We met a guy who was extremely aggressive. The first thing he did was ask me to blow him. Laughing, I told him that we were not there for that. We were just getting a couple of drinks. Then, pushing himself up against me, he offered to blow me. I again declined. I must have said no about ten times. He then began touching me in inappropriate ways.

You might say that by simply going to a gay bar I was asking for it, however he was the only guy in the place behaving like this. This wasn’t normal.

My date and I decided to leave. There was a dance club about a block away with karaoke booths, and she loved karaoke. I wanted to leave because this guy hitting on me was pretty gross. I didn’t care that it was a dude was hitting on me. Everything about him was a turn off, he was enormous, sleazy, and wearing a pink cardigan (dude, just don’t). Especially because I was there with a date and he was disrespecting what most people would say are minimum social boundaries. We headed to the karaoke place, but unfortunately, he followed us there.

She and I began singing together. He followed us into the room we had rented. She went to get drinks, and as soon as she was out of the room, he stuck his tongue down my throat.

One of the most shitty things about sexual assault is that you blame yourself. While by this point I had told him no in no uncertain terms, more than a dozen times, to fuck off, he persisted. I could have hit him or stabbed him, but I was trying to keep everything civilized. I played along despite being completely grossed out. More than anything he did, I feel terrible about that capitulation. I should have put a knife to his throat.

He began grabbing my genitals and also began trying to rip my clothes off.

My date, who had otherwise been amused to this point, had seen the panic in my eyes and stepped up to be the hero. She said to me, “Women have to deal with this all the time, watch and learn.” She walked to the bar and got a tray of shots. She was sneaky. Half the shots were water, half were tequila.

We did round after round of shots. She and I were doing water, the asshole was getting tequila. She knocked him out in 20 minutes flat. Traditionally a sword is a man’s weapon, and poison is a women’s.

I respect her cunning and ingenuity. We spent the night having a lot of fun, trying to get this guy’s taste out of my mouth.