Week two of my weekly horoscope column:

Aries: Seriously, you must be the laziest piece of excreta the Almighty ever beer-shit onto a cheap, broken futon —and yet you succeed despite yourself. You make more scratch then anyone you know, yet you do nothing at work but read Fark and smoke pot in the service elevator. Fuck you, Aries. Fuck You.

Leo: Your 'sixth-sense' has been telling you that there is something not quite right at home. Its right... you've been sucking radon since you moved in. In this case your 'sixth sense' might more accurately be referred to as 'the-tumors-metastasizing-in-your-lungs'.

Taurus: This week you will likely experience some minor tensions within your "family". Evidently "Terps" (your "brother", with whom you share that pile of piss-stained cardboard when the shelter is full) is sick of you swigging on his signature 'wine' (1 pt turpentine, 3 pts grape-jelly packets from Burger King). You better quit it, cause he has a shiv with your name on it.

Gemini: Your herpes is acting up, and just at the worst possible time. Its only going to be a minor breakout though, so just laugh it off and tell them its 'poison ivy' from your 'camping trip' last weekend. They are far too busy worrying about the strange lump they found in the shower this morning too pay any attention to your problems anyway.

Cancer: Your parents read your blog. They are very worried about you.

Virgo: Your about to find out that your crystal dealer is completely dry, so expect to be a little fuzzy-brained this week. Don't worry though, its only temporary. Your friends, who rarely get to see your sober side, will likely find you quite endearing this week --what with you not compulsively finishing everyones sentences or calling people at 4:30 a.m. to "hang out".

Libra: Your self-confidence is going to take a big hit this week, but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it --its all up to the stars. I'd clean out my schedule if I were you. Make sure that nothing of any consequence is scheduled for this week. Cancel all meetings at work, don't go on any dates. Everything you touch is going to turn to shit, so just stay home and watch TV.

Scorpio: FINE! Fine you're right! Yes, Foucault's post-structuralist interpretation of the role of the 'mentally ill' in post-enlightenment western society as laid out in Folie et déraison: Histoire de la folie à l'âge classique is in no way nihilistic! Yeah, he in no way ultimately presupposes the existence of normative values while disavowing of them! Can we please change the subject?! You're right! YOU'RE RIGHT! YOU'RE RIGHT!

Sagittarius: You might be feeling slightly rebellious this week, but you really freaked out all your friends when you posted that extremely detailed bulletin about what you did with that guy. Better start keeping that sort of activity to yourself: an intervention isn't fun for anyone, and 'I statements' really piss you off.

Capricorn:

Aquarius:

Pisces: Your personality is decidedly split this week. Your tough, hardworking exterior will find this week's challenges rewarding, albeit exhausting. The inner-you will feel constrained and in need of space... because the outer-you is getting fat.