Vampire Story 1

I was pulled over doing about 125 mph somewhere around Jacksonville. I had a dead girl in the trunk of the car I’d stolen. Black car, good for the night, and with enough trunk space to keep my food. It might have been a Mustang, maybe a Camaro, but fuck if I know these modern cars.

When I feed it’s not as sexy as vampire writers like to describe it. There is no romance, there are not two little puncture wounds while the prey has an orgasm. I have fangs but they aren’t the only teeth in my mouth. I rip people to shreds. The little black girl from Riviera Beach in the trunk is missing most of her neck and torn to shreds right down to her tits.

Food is always a problem. I need blood not flesh, but it’s difficult to get one without the other. The problem is, when I consume the flesh with the blood it comes out of me the same way it went in. It makes for some very painful, bloody stools. I don’t think I can avoid it though; they always struggle.

Currently I’m handcuffed by the side of the road. They are searching the car and of course will find the little girl I’ve been eating. Contrary to common belief vampires are only somewhat stronger than humans, we can’t fly, we can’t turn into bats, we can’t just snap off handcuffs. We are very limber and fast though.

When you are handcuffed it’s generally behind your back. That is the way I am currently handcuffed. Fortunately, I can bend my knees and move the handcuffs to the front, as there have been certain changes. The police eventually notice this. It does not make them happy.

Handcuffs are in a way a weapon, for the person wearing them. That chain, those sharp little edges, well let’s just say that the police did not like what was happening next.

I whipped around the first officer and strangled him with the handcuffs. More garroted him, to be honest. He died fast. If I wasn’t already full, I would have lamented the waste of blood. The second kept shooting me. Being shot is incredibly annoying. It hurts. But I don’t think it could kill me.

People tend to mix up vampires and zombies. We are both dead, and feast on the living, so it is understandable. But while I have never met a zombie, vampires kind of work by some zombie rules. My heart has not beat since swing dancing was not an ironic throwback. Staking it probably wouldn’t do anything. I’m pretty sure its be shot a few times as I’ve raped and murdered this country.

That said, I do wonder about a bullet to the head. Might be a hard shot though, I’m fairly hard headed.

I used the handcuffs on the second officer, straggling her. The sharp edges at the base made perfect knives to tear open her veins. She had shot me repeatedly, so I needed a bit of a pick me up. Her blood was nice, but I could get something more.

I tore off her head.

The marrow in her spine was delicious. I sucked it out like one of those delicious kids that suck sugar out of a straw. It made me feel much, much better. Also, she had handcuff keys. Now I just need to get to New Orleans.

Vampire novels don’t write themselves.